Bananahamok

2007-05-12

They are little things. Two are about old, charming men. Not charming like George Clooney, Sean Connery and Paul Newman, but charming like the old man in that Pixar movie that plays chess with himself.

Another is about a tall and lanky man, middle-aged, who demands respect from his mother as he defiantly chooses chocolate soymilk for lunch.

Several are about moments--slivers--of grief. They are sharp, and still too painful.

I will tell something I do not know how to write beautifully, but that struck me today.

Lately, Sabbath has not been enough for me. One day of my own, to do what I want, is not enough. I have been struggling with feeling unsatisfied for weeks.

Maybe that is my problem though. When I think about it, all week long I am studying, but for what? It is for myself, my future, my calling. Maybe I am trying to fill Sabbath with more of me and it's not working because I should be looking outside of myself for once. For some reason today, I just wanted to do something for someone else. I realized that the past weeks I had been complaining about not getting to do what I wanted to do I had spent with others per their needs/requests but I had done it begrudgingly. I think if I had done it out of love, trying to make them feel special, I would have been full. I'm not advocating burning myself out on Sabbath trying to be a super servant, or neglecting private time with God to be with others. I'm just advocating a little less selfishness for me and a little more others. Frankly, I think it will give me a little more happiness.

A little more stopped here at 11:29 p.m.

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